My life has been a roller coaster this year! At the end of January I was visiting with my dear friend Tammy Ward. She is a visionary woman that is intent on following God and bringing about great change for Him.
She shared with me that God had let her know that she would be positively impacting 2 million people this year. As she spoke those words to me, I felt a surge of energy and an overwhelming yearning to be part of it. My reply was an energetic, "I wanna help!" I believe that verbal expression of my desire to help her was recorded in heaven, and it fast tracked me to some of the most refining (burning the dross out of gold- type of refining - NOT pleasant) moments in my life.
Never would I have dreamed then, that within the next six weeks, I would be preparing to give a presentation at her Whole Person Preparedness Expo about some of the darkest most vulnerable times of my life and how I grew from those experiences. Within those six weeks, I learned that God had a mission for me and it was to help and encourage others to heal by being open and real about the struggles in my own life.
As my desire to follow God's Word to me has increased (and by this I mean seeking personal revelation for me and my mission in life), I have found that God has very specific directions for me, and I might not always understand why I am doing what I He asks, but I know that if I trust in Him, He will lead me into that space where I cannot yet see.
Up until now, I have never experienced such joy and exhilaration in my life as I have submitted my will to God and seen just how much more He can do with my life than I ever dreamed of.
I have also never experienced such dark opposition and fear as I have these last months. I have been faced with all the negative, hateful, ornery things about myself...That sometimes I am just wrong and need to apologize and repent so that I can be clean again. And that sometimes I let Satan control and paralyze me with fear because I lack the faith in myself and that God really can create miracles with and for someone as flawed as me.
Even though I have experienced such darkness, I am of an opinion that the Light, for me, has become that much more radiant, and I endeavor to remain in that light, allowing more and more of it to dispel the darkness inside of me. I am learning that faith is power. There is real strength in believing, accepting, and then knowing exactly who I am as powerful daughter of God, and I never need fear the darkness when I strive to serve Him with my eye single to His Glory.
I used to to believe that living the gospel was "hard". It was so hard to always try to make good choices. As I have made the conscious effort to remove from my life and home, anything that is not uplifting or praiseworthy, my discernment has become fine-tuned, being able to see and recognize darkness almost immediately. I have found that living a righteous life is only "hard" when I lose that clarity, that ability to be firmly in the light, that can dispel the darkness that is so prolific and invasive in this world.
The removal of unwholesome media was a huge "sacrifice" for me, but I knew that I needed the ability to better discern between light and dark. I was a die hard Survivor fan and had never missed a season. Downton Abbey and all its deliciousness and many other movies and TV shows (Project Runway, Modern Family, White Collar to name a few) were purposefully given up for the sweet fruit of the Word of God and a more constant presence of His Spirit.
I found that the aversion to being "too churchy" or "too religious" went away when I stopped allowing that subtle darkness into my life. To be honest, I had always thought that those that were "so excited for General Conference" were just a little too extreme. It seems out of duty only, I would gather the children together to listen on Saturday and Sunday to those many hours of talks, not understanding the spiritual law upon which all temporal laws are predicated. I discovered that after I had eliminated these media distractions, the scriptures and the words and counsel of the leaders of the church were pure scrumptiousness to my soul! I was shocked and ashamed at how little I had valued all these tasty nuggets of truth.
So here I am now, embarking on something that should terrify me, and it doesn't. I am starting my own energy healing method and company. It is called My Perfection Healing and it isn't mine. I didn't think it up, I didn't "create" it. I think of myself as its developer. God has shown me a lot of truths in my searching - and I am completely aware of how much more I have yet to learn in this life - and My Perfection Healing is a blending of the truths that I have learned as I have been on the journey of becoming who I am meant to be.
What I do know, positively, is that what I teach people with My Perfection Healing will change their lives. Yes, it is an energy healing modality and it's really cool, like seriously... its awesome and mind-blowing, and I love it. But the truths I desire to teach are so much more than that. My wish is to teach people to see exactly who they are as a perfect child of God. If a person can get just a glimpse of that perfection and keep it fixed as the goal, they will be charted to make the journey for the purpose and mission of their life.
If we are constantly focusing on all the negative things about ourselves or that surround us, we risk believing that those flaws define us. We must understand that we are already perfectly loved sons and daughters of God and right now we are simply housed in imperfect bodies while we are being tested. The Atonement's power is the ability to carefully strip away all the ungodliness that covers and inhibits our spirits, until the full glory of our spirits are visible through our countenance.
I am not saying that we ignore the darkness within us. It is very real and can even be frightening, and so we must recognize it and how it can take hold of us and control us, but we don't have to let it DEFINE us as being unworthy, or too sinful to use Christ's gift to us. Sometimes that darkness can take such hold, we don't know HOW to use the Atonement. Wise mentors and teachers who know, follow, and love Christ can help dispel that gloom and bring the light to us. That is what My Perfection Healing can do, and that is why I must teach it to as many people as possible.
I have found on my journey that my feelings of unworthiness have kept me from accepting the Atonement and accessing and using it to cleanse me. As I have gratefully accepted the gift and used it more and more frequently, I have found that Satan's ability to tempt and distract me has lessened considerably, as well as my previous tendency to belittle and hate on myself.
Christ commanded us to," Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." Matthew 5:48
Why in the world would He give a command that is impossible? I know, I know... I have heard the explanation over and over about how the original word really means to be "complete", or "it's the finished project", that we won't be perfect until the end of this life, yada yada yada...
So if I believe that I can't be perfected until after death, what exactly is my goal? What if there is something else He was telling us? What if He was saying, "THIS IS THE GOAL", and with my Atonement you can reach this or come really, really close?! Don't we read about people in the scriptures who actually get to SEE the resurrected Savior? Some that even have their bodies changed into a different state? Is that just for those people? I think not, because it says God is no respecter of persons. That means He doesn't play favorites. I had never even considered that those things might be an option, and that even thinking about attaining them was a proud and selfish desire. Really? If I really became that righteous, wouldn't Christ and God rejoice that I had reached that point of faith?
But I just wanted to be the "best I could be". Well what does that look like? Isn't the best I can be, perfection? Isn't that ultimately my goal? To live with God again? Do I really have a picture of that in my mind? I didn't. I had some nebulous idea with no clear definition of who I would "become".
I do believe that that is why I never knew what my mission in this life was and why I always felt buffeted from thing to thing, and place to place. Because I never had a charted course! I was too busy being distracted by Survivor and wishing that someday I would be healthy enough to go on the show myself. Or how great it would be to dress up in those gorgeous clothes on Downton Abbey. Those were the goals and thoughts that I was dwelling on...missing the entire point of...MY LIFE!
Obviously, I am not talking about the misguided view of perfection that never allows a mistake. We will ALWAYS make mistakes, sin, hurt somebody, or wish we could have done something differently. But the Atonement cleans that mess right up, if we let it! The Atonement is not just for sins either, right? It is for our infirmities, it is for when someone has wronged us, and we feel like we will never heal emotionally. The Atonement fills and flows into everything! It can dispel and replace what is wrong and make it right. I feel like I am just scratching at the surface of what the Atonement can really do. Isn't it amazing!
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