I never thought I would be one of those people with amazing stories of healing from my Higher Power. I am. The road that led me to this, is forgiveness.
One of my favorite quotes has always been “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” As a teenager I remember clinging to this quote. I don’t think I realized the power this would give me later on in life. But as I sit here and write this, a mother of 7, a grandmother, a woman of 40, I realize how free I am. Forgiveness has set me free.
It all started as a young child who experienced abuse, and I turned into a teenager who wasn’t
happy, and then a young mother who was still being harmed by others, and a woman who
looked in the mirror, and was losing who she was. I’m not sure when the forgiveness all started.
So I’ll fast forward to now and share some of my stories. Because as much as I’m sure you want
to know exactly how to forgive, a story brings hope and faith. And so it begins…
I had been on a path in my life of making big changes, and things were holding me back,
unhealed relationships and anger. There was one person in particular that I was struggling with.
I had years of anger towards this person. I didn’t want it at all. It was devastating, I knew it was
destroying me and holding me back, but I did not know how to let go. The Lord is my Higher Power, and so many times I would put it in His hands, but often find myself taking it back. I
lacked faith and trust that I was worthy and deserving of using the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I
felt like it was for everyone but me. I diligently kept working. I didn’t give up. I didn’t know if there
was an end in sight, but my hope kept me going. And then one day as my family was leaving
Zion National Park, I felt the whisperings of my Savior “Saskia, I am taking this pain from you.”
And in my mind's eye I saw a cloud of grey leave me. I almost didn’t believe that it had really
happened. Why would God do this for me? I took a good week trying to be triggered by this
person, but I wasn’t. It was gone, I was healed. I have contemplated much on this, and this is
my conclusion, when we do whatever it takes, are diligent and keep going, the Lord will take the
rest. He will take it from us, but we have to let Him. When we are serious with our Creator, He will
be serious with us. When the door is opened to new opportunities and healing, and we take the
first steps to go through it, the Lord will guide us, and heal us.
So what did I do to find forgiveness? I prayed constantly. I had a note on my vision board saying
I was “free from resentment” with the person’s name. I wrote letters to this person, I didn’t send
them. To me it was a letter to be sent to their spiritual self. I also talked to their spiritual self. I
got angry. Oh my, did I get angry. It seemed like it would never end. I would find moments to be
alone and I would let all the anger and pain and hurt out. Yelling, screaming, crying, whatever it
took. This was a very hard concept for me to embrace at first. In fact, it was awful for me. I felt
horrible, I felt like I was being an awful person, but I realized something, keeping quiet doesn't
take the anger away, and if I don’t let it out, it will manifest in another way. I wrote down my
upset feelings and burnt it, tore it up, whatever it took. I did energy work to clear up emotions
and align me with being able to forgive. I wrote positive stories about my relationship with this
person, as if it was happening in the present moment. I also wrote a specific one and I listened
to it daily. I recorded it on my phone to music. I wrote letters to Christ and my Father in Heaven
daily asking for help. I meditated, and I surrendered it to Christ. I did not give up. I was diligent.
My strong desire to heal led me to having the rest taken.
Recently, as I was talking to my Father in Heaven, he told me I would have some very intense
anger come up. He was not kidding me. I would wake up and felt like I’d had a pile of rotten fish
dumped on my head. The anger was towards someone very dear to me. It was years of hurt,
resentment, blame, you name it. Knowing what I know about forgiveness, and how important
good relationships are, I plead with my Father in Heaven several times a day for help. When He
said do something, I did it. Sometimes it was to type up several pages of “junk” and then release
it from me. One day I did 12 pages. It always seemed after doing this I’d have huge shifts and
amazing new opportunities that would come to me. However, I was still struggling with anger,
which was just embarrassment and sadness underneath it all. I did the same things I had done
before, only with great intensity and frequency. This is where my story gets personal, you see,
the anger was towards my husband. He wasn’t changing as fast as I wanted, He wasn’t healing
as fast as I wanted. I was having all these huge shifts, and he wasn’t “with me” or at least that
was my perception. I felt desperate and angry and all the years of waiting and wanting had hit
me like a ton of bricks. They hit me because it was time to let it go. We were driving home and
had a 4 hour drive ahead of us. All the hurt and pain of what we were going through as our lives
have been turned upside down in our quest to heal and change came out. And then silence. As
I sat in the car with my eyes shut, I felt some of our ancestors in the back seat, and they were
talking about us, wondering what they could do for us. The next thing I knew, I was told the
anger would be taken from me, and once again I saw it leave me, I felt this very intensely, and
in my mind's eye I saw very intently what was going on. I started to cry. It didn't seem possible,
did God just grant this to me again? Things are different now, my amazing husband who has
always been amazing despite my impatience, is having big changes. He was having them
before, but now it’s different. My anger is gone, and that helped him heal. You see when we
haven’t forgiven and we harbor blame, that energy can really affect people, not just us. It’s a
ripple effect of yucky energy.
We hear it all the time, forgive, but I am here to tell you that this is a vital truth. It’s a universal law, and it’s one of the most powerful things out there. I’m sure I could find a bunch of neat quotes and scriptures on the topic, but I won’t, we’ve seen them all. I will just testify that forgiveness will set you free. Forgiveness will enable you to glow again, to feel lighter, and to heal relationships. It will bring you more financial abundance, health, and greater peace. Forgiveness is divine. We were all sent to this Earth knowing we’d have difficult situations, and there was a time we agreed and said we’d overcome them. When we don’t forgive we are not honoring our sacred contracts that we made in the preexistence. We are holding ourselves back from stepping into our truly divine selves.
We all came to this Earth to play big, some of us have forgotten that. Our lack of forgiveness
towards ourselves clouds that remembrance to play big. I know though, that if we surrender to
the Lord, and do whatever it takes to get to the next level, we will be blessed, in more ways than
we can ever imagine.
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